Aries dates: March 21 – April 19

Your inquisitive nature will lead you to discover something deeply unsettling about someone close to  you. Don’t worry though, that person didn’t deserve you, anyways. Your lucky numbers are 567, 439, 3, and Greece

Taurus dates: April 20 – May 20

You will receive a gift from an elder, although that elder may not be human. Expect a mammalian present in the mail soon, likely from a relative of the common mountain goat. Your lucky letters are T, H and C.

Gemini dates: May 21 – June 20

What you lack in patience, you will make up for with your care and gratitude towards others. Though, you do severely lack patience. Your lucky flower is the dandelion. (This was kept short so that you will read — darn, already lost you.)

Cancer dates: June 21 – July 22

Your mother is proud of the bright young individual you are growing up to be, but don’t let her praise get to your head, motherly love comes relatively easy. Also, you will meet someone who respects your wishes to move to Mongolia. Not because they want you to live in Mongolia, but because they respect you. Your lucky number is 76,985.

Leo dates: July 23 – August 22

Though your mood may be volatile, a stroke of good fortune will turn that occasional frown upside down. Unfortunately for you though, being too happy can cause problems. Last year, a Sudanese doctor died from an overdose of glee. Your lucky sports teams are: the Houston Astros.

Virgo dates: August 23 – September 2

As summer is nearing, your focus on your education will dwindle. To combat this, wear a rubber band, and whenever you start thinking about good times or enjoyment of any kind, snap it. You will certainly be bruised by the end of first hour. If this doesn’t explain the state of the American education system, I don’t know what does.

Libra dates: September 23 – October 22

You need more sleep. Go to bed at 9 p.m., wake up at 6 a.m. Hold a warm mug of coffee in both hands. Wear shawls and cardigans. Tell yourself “I need this.” Be sure to overload your home with kitschy cursive signs. Follow these instructions, and you’ll be well on your way to becoming a white mom. Your lucky numbers are: books, wine, and baths.

Scorpio dates: October 23 – November 21

Congratulations on passing your Spanish test. But don’t move to Spain quite yet, your subjunctive still needs work. DON’T FORGET TO BREATHE. Your unlucky aquatic animals are toads and flamingos.

Sagittarius dates: November 22 – December 21 

Your neighbor has issued several noise complaints about your outdated aroma diffuser. You can’t keep wasting your expensive lavender essential oil on that piece of junk. An upgrade is well deserved, especially since it’s the one thing in your life you can control. Unfortunately, you don’t have any lucky numbers. 

Capricorn dates: December 22 – January 19

As much as you would like to hope that you will be less stressed next month, you will probably still be as stressed as you are right now. But that’s okay, because when you’re an adult you will be stressed all day, everyday, until you become a grandparent. That’s life.

Aquarius dates: January 20 – February 18

Read a book. Go for a bike ride. Tell your guinea pig you love him. You could benefit from someone telling you what to do, so there you go. Your word of the month is: authoritarian.

Pisces dates: February 19 – March 20

A nice meal will be sent your way shortly, so you can stop making pizza rolls every night. Also, that shirt you ordered will be delivered soon. It will be too small, you’ll have to navigate the complicated returns process, and your mom’s Discover card won’t see a refund until June. Tough luck.