✧・ﾟ:*Horoscopes*:・ﾟ✧

Aries: Your hard work is paying off… you will soon come in contact with a member of the Golden Girls cast or a really good cheese quesadilla.

Taurus: The superiority complex you have for “the best music taste” is diminished with the arrival of Spotify Wrapped. Your guilty pleasure music being Imagine Dragons is all too prominent in your top 5… better luck next year.

Gemini: Beware the Snow Emergency Warnings. Your biggest fear will come in the form of a Ford F-150.

Cancer: You’ll rekindle a love for Greek mythology. Your aunt will provide you with the answer to the question you’ve been asking recently. No, you cannot use her Lake Minnetonka mansion for a party next weekend. Such is life.

Leo: During the demise of the modern world and the perpetuation of an apocalyptic society, you will be the only one to ask if someone has a mirror. But… you’ll be the only one who looks good. Toss up.

Virgo: Your affirmation of the week: You CAN deal with other teenagers at 8am. You have the capacity to not procrastinate your homework. You are not burned out. Your bank account can handle another shopping spree.

Libra: Curiosity killed the cat, but so did wreckless driving. Slow down on the roads.

Scorpio: You will soon discover a promising opportunity involving a no. 2 pencil, disco balls, and a mp3 player.

Sagittarius: Lacking in luck, your holiday break plans will foil. You will be forced into being in tik toks with your little cousins. Pay special attention to corroded metal. Tetanus is no joke.

Capricorn: Though your heart is kind, the world is not. Focus on the future, you will finally get the chance to be featured on Dad Joke Wednesday with Dr. Bennett, because you’re a joke to your father.

Aquarius: The next fortune cookie you open will result in either an existential crisis or a mindblowing, timebending look into your future. Now is the time to buy a lottery ticket.

Pisces: Your math teacher will say the test will be easy for you. This is what they tell everyone. Do not exert overconfidence and skip studying for an overpriced coffee.